Absence Makes the heart Grow Fonder

Dear Bloggy Blog,

I'm sorry for neglecting you! And honestly, it is hard to believe sometimes how quickly time passes. Honestly, blogging during the first half of this year was too difficult. Team O was going through a tough season on many fronts. I didn't want to go into details on blogo-sphere land, so I just didn't write.

Anyways, Paul and I decided to change our year around. Summer 2012 was/is to be the summer of fun! And we've been pretty successful so far. September still counts as summer here in Seattle right?

Here are some highlights so far!

Kicking off Summer in NYC! 

A weekend getaway with friend in Moclips

Anniversary Celebration on Orcas Island - Hiking Mount Constitution

Being Tourists around town - Ride the Duck!

Lake Wenatchee Camping Trip

Full Circle

Sometimes, it seems when something comes full circle, I can sit back and laugh about God's humor and His humbling ways.

A couple years a go, a friend had something difficult happen to her. I remember getting the text and feeling heartbroken. Normally, I like to be put to work in tough situations - so that I feel that I can care for my friends, and feel useful. In this situation my friend lived a few hundred miles away. So instead I did what came easiest, I gave a piece of  "logical advice". Basically, "I'm so sorry, but at least...." And I remember feeling pretty brilliant in the moment.

Fast forward.

A few months ago I was dealing with my own painful situation. I remember sitting with my friend Sarah and being so angry and frustrated with people who were giving me logical advice of their own. I didn't want logic. It felt demeaning. Like, yes you're suffering - but ponder these words (even truth) and all will be right again. I wanted someone to feel what I felt to the intensity that I did.

And then it hit me. My own words from two years ago came hurtling back at me. Ugh! How could I have been so insensitive. I felt foolish. I felt haunted. I felt like I made someone else's hurt insignificant. I shared those words with Sarah and how they haunted me. I knew deep down that they were words of truth, but I didn't want them. And I decided, I would never subject anyone to them again.

A couple weeks ago I was enjoying a superb lunch of white cheddar mac and cheese with Sarah. It felt, and was, a special moment. Sarah and her husband had been in a head on collision with a drunk driver just a month and a half ago. Sarah is currently on a long journey towards recovery, but thankfully very much alive. So, mac and cheese for lunch becomes a treasured moment.

Anyways, we were talking about heartache and I brought up the frustration of people speaking truth, but how it made the issue at hand feel so insignificant. I told Sarah I wouldn't do that to her. I thought I was being wise (HA!).

Sarah told me that she had been thinking about those very words that had brought me shame - a lot. She told me they have been a comfort to her during this trying time. I was floored. I mean, just when I think I've got it all figured out, well - I don't.
So my words came full circle and I feel like God has used them in every situation. I feel humbled. I realize that no two people are the same, and so when heartache strikes - I need to lean on God for the words or even actions.

And most of all, I've learned to give Grace to those that I felt frustration towards. They had no intention of demeaning my situation, they wanted me to find hope in the truth. I am reminded that I am loved, and that I love. Sometimes we do it well but most of the time it is a bit messy.

Beautiful Words

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin

Year of Psalm's

This year has been a hard season for me and for loved ones in my life. I am declaring 2012 to be the year of Psalm's. It is the book I have been dwelling in. These verses are so intimate to both heartache and hope, true to life.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
Psalm 42:11

Heavy

Heavy steps
Heavy heart

Heavy
the weight of a life

Pondering Friendship

Life is full of changes, continues to move forward, and surprises always lurk.

6+ months ago, Paul and I pursued a calling which brought us to a new church. The calling and direction was very clear, but I struggled with the idea of finding a new church. I was (am) drawn to comfort and was comfortable at the church I had been involved with for over six years. I had a deep sense of belonging and cared greatly for those in my life and those who were a part of my community.

Paul and I followed God's call and have been truly blessed in doing so. I suppose that I did hold on to the misconception that once we obeyed God's calling, things would be easy. In many ways the transition has been easy. In being honest though, I must admit that there have been challenges and heartache as a part of this move.

The biggest challenge for me has been losing friendships and the sense of community that I had at my previous church. When Paul and I made the transition I found solace in the fact that I had friendships that were Christ focused and not a specific church focused. I thought that some ties went deep. Instead, aside from a few, those friendships have been confined by four church walls that I no longer walk through.

This void had been very real to me these past three months. I went through and continue to work through one of the hardest and deeply emotional experiences of my life. I wont go into detail, but it has caused friendship and community to be on the forefront of my mind as I have been in desperate need of support, love, and encouragement. I am thankful that a handful of friendships have prevailed during this change.

Through this experience I have been learning to pray more and specifically for who God has called me to pursue friendships with. Being able to take time to narrow in on specific people allows me the opportunity to be authentic and allows for margin in my friendships.

Why do I believe margin in friendship is important? It allows me to room to be more flexible. If a friend is in need I feel that I can more easily be there. Instead of investing a little bit with a lot of people, I can focus more deeply with a smaller group of people.

I feel that this learning experience has helped me as I build relationships at my new church. I feel encouraged. I have gained more clarity on what it means to be a Christ follower and that a right heart before God is so important.

And for that, I am thankful for the heartache. I am thankful for those that have walked along side me over the years and I am thankful for those that I feel called to walk alongside.

As my friend C.S Lewis writes “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

Marriage & Mission Continued (a year+ later)

This week I was digging through some old blogs trying to find this pumpkin bread recipe. Why I only seem to have it in blog form astounds me! Anyways, I stumbled on this blog post from a year ago on Marriage and Mission.

When I originally wrote that blog post, I was in the mindset that we were looking for one set-in-stone mission and then we could happily go forward knowing what that is. In the last year, my ideas on mission has changed because God has changed it. General ideas have stayed the same, i.e. Mission is about giving Glory to God. The day-to-day look of mission (and calling) has more flexibility which is kind of scary-cool. Can that be a new adjective please?

Mission:
1. a specific task or duty assigned to a person or group of people:
2. a person's vocation

At the beginning of 2011 we were feeling called to leave the church we had been at for 5+ years. For a period of time we allowed (or I definitely did) fear of the unknown keep us where we were comfortable. Fear is kind of a funny thing, because it took a while to realize it had the ruling grip in our life. When we finally admitted that fear of the unknown is not a reason to stay put, we began to put the wheels in motion. We knew where we were being called to: a smaller church that loves on the community it is in. We just didn't know the name. Our 'church search' was comically representative of the times we live in. We had a list, we listened to sermons online (online stalked), narrowed our list, tried one and God confirmed for us that is where we were meant to be. Well, that was easy! What was all that fear business about?

Being in a new church community where we are becoming known puts us in a whole new position - being open and vulnerable. As we become known we are also figuring out how we are going to serve the church and the community. We have to continually raise the question of what is our mission.

A year ago I wrote that we were sure that "service, community, and mentoring" are important components of our mission. Today we would also add that giving our time, talents, and treasure which are from God - back to God. We also want to be intentional in how we serve. Our pastor talks about wanting the church to invest 1 inch wide and 6 feet deep as opposed to 6 feet wide and 1 inch deep. We like that concept and we're trying to use that as we pursue our mission and calling both individually and as a couple.

As we move towards the season of giving thanks (which is more than a season in our book), I want to say that I am so thankful for an alive and loving God that is moving in our lives. I am thankful for God's providence and for opening this new chapter for Paul and I to grow in our mission as a family.