{Elijah - 1 Month}

Elijah James, You are one month old today! 

I can hardly believe it. Your first two weeks of life moved slowly - mostly because of your mama and papa's lack of sleep. These last two weeks, as we slowly found more of a routine, have gone by quickly.

Papa says you look just like me, but I'm not sold on that yet. I think you look just like baby squish - cute and lovey. I do catch glimpses of your Auntie Destiny and your cousin Eleanor from time to time, so there must be some of me in you!

Your first month of life has been all about us getting to know you. What your cries mean, how to get you to sleep, and what brings you comfort. For a while you seemed to only have two cries; when you were cold and when you were hungry. Now we are experiencing a cry when your tummy is upset. And, you have a general cranky cry that seems to come on around 4pm every afternoon. You're not quite hungry, you're tired but won't sleep, you don't always want your binky. You just want to fuss. I won't lie, this tends to be mama's hardest part of the day. Papa is still a couple hours from getting home and I'm exhausted. But, we're figuring it out.

You've had lots of visitors your first month Elijah! Our friends and community (now yours) delight in seeing you. Everyone coos over that full head of hair you have. It really is quite marvelous. We coo over it too! You came out of the womb already in need of a haircut! Your papa and I have tried to get out of the house on a regular basis. We have walked you all around Ballard and have already taken you to several restaurants. You love being in you car seat as long as you're moving. You sleep well there, so that has been one way I calm you down in the late afternoons. We go for a walk. Thankfully Spring came early, and we have had beautiful days to enjoy outside.

Your awake time has increased so much since your first two weeks. We don't have to drag you out of your newborn coma! During the day time, after you've eaten, we like to put you on your activity mat. You lay there and stare at the stuffed animals that hang from it. You kick, kick kick and try to grab the animals. It is pretty cute!

You're a strong little man! Your papa loves to brag about your accomplishments. For instance, you neck muscles are out of this world! You'll be doing your tummy time on us and you lift that head up and just look all around. It is amazing! You also have a death grip, so watch out if something gets in that hand of yours. Often it is my shirt, or a pair of glasses. Elijah, you have the best facial expressions! It will be so fun to see which ones you keep and which ones are just coincidence as you start gaining control of your motor skills. You also make some great noises! Sometimes you make a noise, that sounds like a word that totally fits with the situation. We like to think you're advanced for your age!

During your first two weeks, you lost 7% of your birth weight (14oz), which as new parents, was a bit scary. At your 3 week weight check, you were 9lbs, 10oz which is up 8oz from your birth weight. This was wonderful news for mama and papa!  You seem to be a good sleeper! During the evenings your stretches go from 2 hours to 4.5 hours. During the day they are a bit shorter, 30 minutes to 2 hours. You love to eat and I imagine you'll be our little chunk in no time! 

During your first month you also had your circumcision done. You handled the procedure like a champ, recovered well, and didn't seem bothered at all. This was much harder for your mama. I was so anxious before and during the procedure, but thankful that it went smoothly.

We've already established lots of nicknames for you. Most frequently we call you Elijah Bear, Lijah Bear, Buster Brown, and Buster Bronco. 

During your second month of life, we think you are looking forward to: your Auntie Destiny and cousin Eleanor visiting, your first Easter, and your grandma Robin visiting.

Here are some photos from your first month of life. It is so crazy to see the difference in just 4 weeks!

 Getting ready to leave the hospital

 Home Sweet Home and you're meeting Charlie!

 Improving Team O since 2015!

 This is your deep thoughts expression.

 Lazy Saturday napping on papa

 Mama gets a kick out of putting you in cute clothes!

 Papa loves his snuggle time

 Elijah, you seem so big to me, until I see you nestled in like this.

More Mama snuggles

 Rocking those stripes

 Getting that activity time in!

 Enjoying a picnic lunch at the Ballard Locks

 Snuggly and Fresh after bath time!

 Love these facial expressions!

 Loving on Papa after his first day back at the office!

Getting you exercise on!

Elijah's {Birth} Story

Elijah is almost a month old! It is time to get his birth story down. I didn't take any notes during the birth process, because honestly I assumed I would remember it all. Oh how naive I was! I can tell you everything up until a certain point. And then time stopped existing, events blur together and some events I have no memory of. The majority of this story was documented and written by our fabulous Doula Leah. I am so thankful that she took notes during the process and pictures! It is such a blessing to have this experience chronicled.

I was scheduled to be induced with Baby O (gender was a surprise) on Thursday February 26th. The induction was scheduled because I had Gestational Diabetes and there is concern over baby's size as well as potential complications related to shoulder dystocia.  I had actually been showing positive signs that labor might begin naturally the week before the induction, so I ended up not going to work the days leading up to my induction. We didn't want to risk labor starting and me being so far away from home and the hospital.  I spent the days leading up to the induction doing last minute cleaning, cooking and resting.

At 6:30am on February 26th, I called into the Birth Center and learned that they were full and couldn't take me first thing in the morning. I was told that the charge nurse would check in with me later in the day to update me. So, Paul and I decided to enjoy our day. We lazed around the house, read books in bed, went out for pancakes, made the local news, and reveled in our time together. I got a call from the birth center early afternoon and was told there still wasn't any room and was asked if I was willing to be on call in the evening. I said yes, and around 9 or 10pm I learned that I wouldn't get in, but to call in the next morning. What a let down! By this point we really just wanted to meet Baby O!

The next day (Friday, February 27th) we got THE call at 6:15am and was told to arrive at the birth center at 7:30am. Paul and I jumped up, got our stuff together, and left to grab breakfast and coffee. We were at the hospital at 7:30am on the dot. We were told which room was ours and given some time to settle in. I changed into the fancy hospital gown, my IV was put in, and the fetal heartbeat and contraction monitors were hooked up.

Dr. Goepfert, the on-call doctor came by to check on how I was "progressing", and sadly, I wasn't. I was only measuring about 1.5cm dilated, far less than the week before. So the first step of the induction was to take a dose of misoprostol to help "ripen" my cervix. The misoprostol started some mild contractions and I just went back to sleep because I figured I needed as much rest as possible! At 3pm, I was started on an IV drip of Pitocin. This was to help the contractions increase in frequency and intensity. Every so often, the nurse would come in and increase the dosage. By the evening time, I was starting to feel contractions a bit more intensely, but I was also able to manage them on my own. Paul and I spent the afternoon watching movies, playing an epic tournament of 5 Crowns (card game), and resting.

At 7am on Saturday February 28th, Dr. Goepfert came to check on my progress. I had almost reached the maximum dosage of Pitocin for induction, and my cervix was 4 centimeters dilated and 70% effaced. Dr. Goepfert stated that my options were that I stop pitocin and then restart it later to see if my body responded better to it, or I could have my bags of water broken. Paul and I started walking laps around the nurses station to encourage contractions. As long as I was active, the contractions picked up speed and then slowed down when I rested. When Dr. Goepfert came back in to check me, I was 80% effaced and still only 4cm dilated. So we opted to have my bags of water broken.

Paul and I ordered breakfast, and were able to eat before active labor kicked in around 9am and contractions started to progress and intensify significantly. Paul called our Doula, Leah to let her know that I was feeling ready for some additional support, and Leah arrived by 10am.

When Leah arrived, I was sitting on the birth ball and the nurses were in the process of applying a heating pad to my lower back to help soothe that area during the contractions. Baby O was presenting “Sunny Side Up”/Occiput Posterior, which meant that I would experience “Back Labor”. Paul talked me through each contraction - watching the monitor and telling me when I had passed the peak of each one, coaching, encouraging, and affirming me continually. Paul was really good about reminding me that all of my hard work would soon be worth it when it produced our beautiful, long-awaited, and much-loved baby. During each contraction I would press my forehead into Paul’s forehead for additional strength and support. As contractions became more intense, Paul and Leah chanted “Ooohhhhhhhhhhhh” with me to help me keep my breathing rhythmic and calm. Leah turned on a peaceful birthing music playlist, and held a ziplock bag of cotton balls covered in peppermint essential oil under my nose to help soothe me when I began to experience nausea and vomiting. At one point I remember I started chanting "I Can't, Can't" with the contractions and Paul encouraged me to start chanting " I Can, I Can" with each one.

The nurses recommended that I try taking a warm bath, so both nurses, Paul, and Leah all helped me make my way to the bath tub area down the hallway. It took a little while to get me comfortable and situated. Honestly, as soon as I was in the tub, I wanted out. But I felt bad that so much time and effort had been spent getting me to and into the tub that I decided to stay. Once the water level and temperature were adjusted to a good level, I found that the warm water provided a good amount of comfort and relaxation as my contractions continued to make great progress. Paul and Leah took turns pouring warm, soothing water over me, holding my hand, stroking my hair, and offering me sips of water to drink in order to stay well hydrated. I remember Paul offering water after a contraction and I would say that I didn't want it, his response was that it was fine, but I had to have water after the next contraction. The time in the bathtub tub was so peaceful and beautiful, and felt like such a sacred time. Paul and Leah started to notice with delight and excitement that I was gradually pulling my legs up into a pseudo-squatting position in the water, indicating that I might be starting to feel the urge to push sometime in the very near future. Sure enough, when the nurses asked around dinner time, I was feeling the urge to push, so they helped me out of the bathtub, wrapped me in some nice warm blankets, and pushed me in a wheelchair back to the birthing suite to see if she if my cervix was fully dilated and ready to push. They discovered that my cervix was asymmetrically dilated, so there was still one little part that needed a little bit more time before it would be safe to start pushing. They recommended waiting about half an hour. This was challenging for me because I was feeling a strong urge to push, so Leah recommended making a “Shshshshshshsh” sound whenever I felt the urge to push in order to express that desire but prevent from doing any harm to my cervix while it continued to dilate. In less than an hour, the nurses checked my cervix again and confirmed that it was now safe for me to begin pushing! The position that seemed to be the most effective for me during the pushing phase was semi-reclined, pulling either one or both knees up into a pseudo-squatting position. I would tuck my chin down, form a C shape with my body around Baby O, and do three or four good strong pushes per contraction, with lots of support and coaching from the nurses, Paul and Leah.  

Around 7pm, I was starting to feel quite exhausted and the intensity of pushing out an Occiput Posterior baby was starting to feel overwhelming to me. The nurses discovered that my blood sugar levels were quite low (in the 70s), so Paul asked what they could do to help get my blood sugar levels back up to a good level for physical exertion and increased mental and emotional clarity. The nurses recommended an IV glucose drip, so Paul and I decided to try that (though I have little recollection of this). Leah offered sips of apple juice to me while the nurses went to get the glucose IV drip. The nurses and Leah encouraged me that if I needed to take a rest while waiting for my blood glucose levels to rise, I would definitely not make any backwards progress, and that the baby would continue to move down and out (albeit slowly) with each contraction, even without actively pushing, through a process called “laboring down”.

Around 8pm I was requesting additional help with pain relief. Leah mentioned that a previous client had successfully used one dose of a narcotic to get her through the toughest part of her birthing time, so I decided to try the narcotic. The hope was that the narcotic would provide longer rest breaks between contractions until my blood sugar levels could be restored to a better level. I found the sleepy sensation that I experienced with the narcotic to be unpleasant, and I found it more challenging to cope with each contraction because the narcotic eliminated my ability to mentally prepare during the “ramping up” phase of each contraction. Basically, I was only feeling the intense peak of each contraction, and I did not have any clue to when a contraction would start coming on. I would just be bowled over with each one. This period was fairly intense and at one point Paul said I yelled out to him with full emotion "I'm going to die, I'm going to die, Why won't you help me?"

Over time, my blood sugar levels rose to a healthier level, and I started to experience an increase in mental clarity and physical strength. At this point, Dr. McLennan strongly recommended that I request an epidural in order to more quickly resume pushing. Paul expressed his concern to Dr. McLennan that the lack of sensation and decreased natural urge to push would make it more challenging for me to push the baby out with an epidural. Paul and I were both fearful of a C-Section. I tried pushing without for a while longer before we made the decision together to request an epidural. The anesthesiologist was busy with an emergency situation at the time of the request, so it took about 30 minutes before she arrived to begin administering the epidural. The epidural brought immediate relief. A smile returned to my face, I was able to fully relax, and felt emotionally rejuvenated. Within a short amount of time, the combination of restored blood sugar and the relief from the epidural provided me with the strength and energy I needed in order to continue pushing.

Pulling my right leg up into a semi-reclined pseudo-squatting position seemed to yield the most progress, and I had so much enthusiastic and encouraging support from Paul, Leah, and the nurses Jillian and Katie. Also the the charge nurse that night was my friend Summer from college! Everyone rallied together to help support my head, shoulders, legs and feet during each contraction and cheered me on when it was time to curl up into a C shape around Baby O and push during each contraction. One of the nurses asked if I wanted a mirror, to which I said no. Paul however told the nurse that he thought I might like the mirror and once it was there I was so appreciative. I could see Baby O’s head as it began to crown, Seeing Baby O’s head move down and out was extremely reassuring and motivating. Seeing that dark hair, I just couldn't wait to meet him or her (though for some reason I associated all that hair with a boy). After some final amazing pushes, Elijah James was born at 10:54pm. He was 9 pounds and 2 ounces at his first weighing and 21 inches long.  Elijah and I enjoyed immediate skin-to-skin time while the nurses cleaned him off and Paul cut his umbilical cord. Sadly, Elijah was having issues breathing and apparently had swallowed quite a bit of amniotic fluid. Elijah was about 80% oxygenated at this point and had to have the fluids suctioned out and was given oxygen to get his levels up.  I was so thankful that Summer was the charge nurse that evening and could explain everything to Paul. I saw Paul staying calm and it helped me to stay calm. The process didn't take too long and before I knew it my sweet boy was back in my arms.

I have to say I never wanted to be induced and I definitely did not want to use narcotics or an epidural during the birth process. In hindsight I would not change anything about my birth experience (well maybe I would have skipped the narcotic and went straight to the epidural). This was an incredibly positive experience and I am so thankful for my encouraging and supportive husband and for Leah our fabulous Doula. I could not have done the hard work without their support.

Spring came early this year to celebrate the arrival of this beautiful baby boy!

 Let's get this induction on the road!

 Paul supporting me during active labor

That moment they put my son on my chest. Pure bliss.

Once we met Elijah, we crossed out our girl name.

 Our beautiful son - Elijah James.

"For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him." 

1 Samuel 1:27

{Seasons}

In my last post, I wrote that this season of pregnancy has been challenging and full, but also so very sweet. I am approaching the 31st week of pregnancy and I would have to say this season continues to be incredibly good and incredibly hard. 

I also need to be honest that I have struggled with how honest to be during this season. When I struggled with getting pregnant or surviving our two losses, I really had a difficult time with the honesty of others who were pregnant. I often thought to myself when/if I'm pregnant, "I'll never do that." I'll never complain of morning sickness, I'll never complain of discomfort in my body, I'll never complain that my body is changing. I think that Social Media heightened this sense of "I'll never" because pregnancy complaints are so easily thrown around. What I have realized during this season is that pregnancy is hard, and I don't want to complain, but I also want to be honest. And maybe, just maybe, others were not complaining during their pregnancies - they were just being honest too. And maybe, just maybe, I spent too much time judging that honesty.

And if I keep being truthful, it is important for me to share that getting pregnant has been my "one thing". That one thing that would make my life better. That one thing that would bring me closer to God. That one thing that would bring me closer to my husband. That one thing that would bring me joy and take away the sadness. And even though I knew logically that there is no "one thing" that can make you life be better, and that I was idolizing pregnancy, my heart believed and my heart wanted it more than my logical brain. It is amusing to reflect on how this pregnancy has not magically made my life better or easier, and while I pray more I do not feel closer to God. And while Paul and I grow closer we have really been challenged and distant during times. And while I feel joy, I feel sadness as well.

So, I thought I would share more about this season, the challenges and the sweet things.

Fear. Fear has dominated this pregnancy. It still does, but it has transformed. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I feared the worst. Every single day (for the first 28ish weeks) my mind has gone to the worst case scenario. Today could be the day I lose this pregnancy. I kept thinking as I hit milestones that fear would finally go away. When we had our 14 week ultrasound, I continued to fear, even though I knew that the rate of miscarriage drops significantly. When we had our 20 week ultrasound I continued to fear a loss. The fear has transformed in the past few weeks. I still have fleeting thoughts of "what if" regarding losing this pregnancy, but now I fear and worry about the actual impact once this baby is here. Being able to meet needs, surviving off of little to no sleep, the change in my relationship with Paul, being a good mom. It is a lot to think about. And while I pray more, because I fear more. I can't say that I feel closer to God right now. My fears have revealed to me where I lack trust in God. My faith is like Swiss cheese, I believe - but I have so many holes and gaps. I am not consistent. In the back of my mind lurks the thought of "maybe God isn't a good God" so shouldn't I be on my best behavior so I can meet this baby? I recognize this and yet I do not know how to "fix" it. 

Sickness. What can I say? That first trimester was difficult. I felt sick every day. However, if I didn't have Paul here to remind me that every day he came home from work and I was just laying on the couch miserable, I am not sure I would believe it. Time has been forgiving.

Conflict. Paul and I had a period of time (roughly weeks 15-19) were we could not connect. We argued every single day. It got to the point that both of us separately had decided that maybe we should not even talk to the other person in order to avoid an argument. I know I felt at a loss. I thought I was communicating clearly what the problem was from my perspective. But every day we went round and round and made no progress. Our resolution came about in a funny way. Paul was at a work training on coaching employees. In a small group they were asked to share a scenario where coaching was not working. It could be personal or professional. Paul shared about coaching me with a recent diagnosis of gestational diabetes. One of Paul's colleagues gave a piece of feedback that changed everything. They said something along the lines of "It sounds like your wife doesn't feel like you trust her". Paul came home and shared that and it was like a light bulb went off in my head.  Trust. I hadn't even realized that was my issue. I knew that I was feeling micromanaged during pregnancy and that was driving me nuts. Yet when the word trust was thrown out there, I realized that in the deepest part of my heart, I believed that I had done something to cause my miscarriages. It is not a thought that I verbalized, or one that I even fully admitted to myself, but it lingered. Without realizing it, whenever Paul would ask me questions about pregnancy or why I was doing something I automatically jumped to the defense because maybe he believed I caused our losses and that was what was driving his line of questioning. From Paul's perspective, he had been such a big part of our journey with getting pregnant, in fact, I could not have done it without him ;). However now that I was pregnant, he was feeling left out and would ask questions to feel involved, to understand what was going on, to participate. Finally being able to put words to what we were feeling made all the difference. The tension lifted immediately and we have both been able to show each other more grace. Not to say other conflict has not reared its ugly head, but we have been able to take those on as they arise.

Life. The best part of pregnancy for me has been feeling Baby O moving around. It has been amazing to feel kicks, pushes, stretches, and hiccups. I marvel at what is happening inside of me. I think this is what I will miss the most. I have an everyday reminder that this baby is alive, growing, and thriving. I cannot wait to meet Baby O and yet I am thankful for this safe space for Baby O to grow and to know that I'm providing everything he or she needs.

Control. I have written before that I struggle with wanting to control my life, feeling like I have the ability to do so, and then my amazement when that carpet is pulled out from underneath me. Well, pregnancy has been one long season of giving up control. I could not control how I felt during my first trimester. Then at week 15 my midwife had me tested early for Gestational Diabetes (GD) because of my PCOS. Within two weeks I had the official diagnosis that I did have GD. For the next 10 weeks I was able to manage my GD with diet and exercise. I had control. And then as I approached week 27 of pregnancy everything changed. I had been warned by my midwife and the specialists that around week 26 or 27 the insulin requirements sky rocket in pregnancy and that my body may not be able to keep up. Like clockwork, suddenly I could not control my fasting blood sugar numbers. This has changed everything in my pregnancy, forced me to give up control and work on my flexibility. I had to start insulin 3 weeks ago. The cascading effect is that I had to give up my midwife that I have worked with through all three pregnancies as many hospitals have policies around a midwife delivering a high risk pregnancy. I have also had a vision for how birthing Baby O would go. I've had to come to accept that I may have to be induced during this pregnancy, which I know does not negate my vision, but it will make it a lot harder. It has been hard and frustrating to deal with these cascading effects. At my core though, I realize, these decisions are not about me any more, but about what is best for this precious life.

Big Feelings. I love this term. I think it describes me well with or without being pregnant. I feel things deeply and on a big scale. I am sometimes overwhelmed by emotions. Both the good and the bad. My emotions have bounced all over the place during this pregnancy. I cried a lot during the end of my first trimester and into my second, and then it magically went away. Only to rear its head during the third trimester. In the past few weeks I have cried at Red Robin, Mod Pizza, in the car, on the phone, and just in general at home. I cry when I feel dismissed, I cry when I get hungry. I just cry. I feel sad more than I'd like to admit and yet I can't explain to you why I feel sad. I struggle to verbalize these intense feelings. I will feel sad one day, and then elated the next day. I take things extra personal right now. If I thought I was sensitive before pregnancy, now I just feel like I have a raw nerve on display. I can only imagine what Paul thinks when the tears start forming. And if he is annoyed he does not let on. He has been patient with me and helps talk me off of my cliff. So add my emotions to the list of things I cannot control ;)

Pain. Physical pain has been interesting during this season. Of course I started out with sickness, but that didn't last that long. Then came the chronic headaches. I wanted to gouge my eyes out. But at around week 21 those just disappeared. Then there was mild back pain/discomfort, usually when I did long walks. At week 26 we flew to the Midwest to celebrate Thanksgiving with my sister. I could not believe how sitting for a few hours across a couple flights each way caused such incredible pain in my body. Every time I would stand up, I felt pain everywhere, including places I didn't think you could feel pain. That faded away after being home a couple weeks, thankfully. I have also had hand numbness that started sometime after week 20. At first it was no big deal, annoying, but not that bad. Then the numbness turned into pain when trying to do certain things like chop an onion, or even typing this blog post is causing pain in my wrist. Apparently this is all part of carpal tunnel which can come on during pregnancy.

Longing. I long to know the other two babies that I will not meet this side of heaven. Pregnancy feels bittersweet in this way. So sweet because of the life we will meet soon. Sad because I don't know my other babies.

Joy. I marvel everyday now that Paul and I will soon be parents. I mean, it scares the heck out of me, but that is because I don't know what to expect. I feel joyful at holding our child, smelling that sweet baby smell, being in awe as Baby O takes on and learns about their environment and their world. I cannot wait to see Paul be a daddy. I look forward to seeing how parenthood helps me to know and understand God the Father better. I wonder who Baby O will look like. Will they have my hazel eyes? Paul's dark hair? Will we see each other in Baby O? I hope Baby O loves to read as much as we do and I can't help but want to buy every book I come across. Will Baby O be a feeler like me? Or more logical like Paul? Or as I like to hope - a good balance of the both of us. What can I teach Baby O about life? About Faith? About suffering and about joy? How do we teach Baby O to persevere? How do I instill that my love is unconditional? There are so many things that I wonder, but it is a joyful wondering. 

You'll never believe this, but I am crying right now ;) So there you have it, a brief snapshot of this season that I have been in. Sweet and Challenging.

{With Thanksgiving}

Paul and I have been pretty open about our fertility struggles the past three years. This November marked the 3 year anniversary of the start of that journey for us. At the time, in November 2011, we had been a couple for almost three years, and married for just over a year. We felt we were ready to become parents. Well, as ready as one can be. And trust me, even in the midst of making that decision we were still arguing about logistics (i.e. would I work or stay at home).

A factor in making that decision were concerns over how long it might take us to get pregnant. No one had ever told me that I would have difficulty getting pregnant, and I never had a medical diagnosis that would lead me to believe otherwise. But I also knew that if I was only having a few periods a year (if that), it probably wouldn't be easy. So I ditched the birth control and that was the start of the most challenging, painful, difficult, fruitful, stressful, frustrating, isolating, hopeful and emotional three years. During the last three year years I have had the joy of finding out I was pregnant twice, and the heartache of losing both of those pregnancies. You can read about those losses here. In that time, I have struggled with depression and with isolating myself. Subsequently our marriage has moved back and forth between periods of struggling and flourishing.

In September of 2013, we began working with a fertility clinic to get help. In theory we knew that if I could ovulate, I could get pregnant. The difficulty was getting my body to ovulate. The fertility specialists were able to confirm my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS can look and play out differently for women. The explanation that I understood the best is that each cycle, my body produces more eggs than an average women. This confuses my body, and it chooses to not participate in the process of selecting an egg and ovulating. While that might be an over simplification of PCOS it was the core of my problem. The specialists were optimistic that with a combination of drugs, HCG shots and timed intercourse (yes a schedule) we would get pregnant.

We began our 1st cycle of drugs in November 2013. I plan to write a separate blog soon about that process. It was in some ways easy, and in others was extremely difficult. The process and the medication took both a physical and emotional toll. 

The long and short though, is that at the end of June 2014 we had a positive pregnancy test. It was again surreal, and though we both wanted to be excited, it was difficult to feel like we could. The following week (at 5 weeks pregnant) we took off for Europe. Knowing this pregnancy was not guaranteed, we decided to keep our travel plans. It was a good trip and time to be together. We of course thought a lot about being pregnant, but also we were able to keep ourselves distracted by exploring new places.

Once we returned home, we had an ultrasound at 6.5 weeks which went well, and then an 8.5 week ultrasound that also went well. We kept taking the pregnancy day by day and had a great 14 week ultrasound and then another one at 20 weeks.

So this Thanksgiving, three years after we started this journey, Paul and I are thrilled to share that we are expecting the arrival of Baby O in early March. This season of pregnancy has been challenging and full, but also so very sweet. I look forward to sharing more of this season, both the challenging and the sweet. We are so unbelievably thankful for this miracle.

Below are a few photos we took recently, thanks to our friend Jessica Valle.

{Budapest}

Before I delve into Budapest, did you know that Paul has a technology blog? Yep, you can read it here. Next week Paul will post his 52nd blog post out of the last 52 weeks. This blog, well this is post #7 for the year! I really need to get into gear! The funny thing is, I'm not usually doing anything very important when he is writing his blogs!

Okay, onto Budapest! Paul and I started our grand adventure on July 4th to maximize an extra day off from work. We were up at 3:30am and caught a shuttle to the airport at 4:30am. The first of our three flights took us to Toronto. We thought we might miss our second flight so we hustled through the Toronto airport, only to stand around at a gate and watch the slowest boarding process ever for a plane. Our second flight did make it out late which got us to Frankfurt behind schedule. We ran, along with several others to get from one end of the airport to another. Turns out, to the wrong gate. So we missed our Budapest flight. Thankfully the next one took off in less than an hour, so it was another mad dash to get to the next gate.

Finally we land in Budapest at 10:30am local time, 1:30am Seattle time which means we'd been up for 22 hours at this point. We catch a bus to the city and thankfully we were able to check into our hotel early. Then our trip took another turn for the interesting. While we were freshening up at the hotel, my right eye started feeling painful. I kept asking Paul if my eye looked okay, and he thought it looked fine. Then while were eating a meal (lunch? Breakfast? Who knows!) my eye began oozing goop and was red on the eyeball. Perfect! All the nearby pharmacies appeared to be closed, so we just rolled with it and started our adventure. Later in the evening I did some Google research and started putting compresses on my eye.

While we had energy, we walked Andrassy Ut to Hero Square and explored a small part of the City Park. We were so exhausted that we decided to head back to our hotel room and while trying to stay up and watch TV, we both fell asleep. 15 hours of sleep later, breakfast, and finding a 24 hour pharmacy for my eye - we were ready for day 2.

First meal, look at those tired eyes!

Exploring Heroes Square

We were up early to explore Parliament and walk along the Danube. We stopped off at a cute street-side cafe for lunch. Partway into our lunch, it looked like Paul had a huge welt on his face. We started worrying briefly that he was having an allergic reaction to something he was eating. Which would have been just grrreeaat after my unexplained eye issue. A couple hours later as the welt was fading, Paul realized that he must of touched his face after using his fingers to put some very hot peppers on his lunch. Whoops!  After lunch we went to St. Istvan's Basilica (St. Stephen's) and climbed the stairs up to get a view of the city. 

 Parliament

 Chain Bridge - one of the bridges that links Buda with Pest.

Holocaust Memorial along the Danube

St. Istvan

 Views from St. Istvan

Day three we spent some time in the morning just meandering the city and taking in the sites, looking at cool architecture and just enjoying a slow morning. We eventually made our way to The Great Market Hall which was amazing. It is a market that makes our Pike Place Market look small. There are three floors and each floor sells something different. The top floor sells touristy items, souvenirs, hungarian specialty items, and there are food vendors . The main level that you walk into sells mostly produce, baked goods, and meat. For instance I found a little slice of heaven at a bakery selling strudels. Paul and I split a strudel as we walked out of the market. As soon as we hit the doors I looked at Paul and told him, I think I need another strudel. So we did! Yay vacation! The basement level sells fish, has butchers AND is a one stop shop for buying anything pickled. And I mean anything! From The Great Market we were off to the Great Jewish Synagogue.

Strudel Heaven

Great Jewish Synagogue

After a rest we were back to City Park to see more sites and to explore the  House of Terror. The House of Terror is a museum that chronicles the Nazi Invasion and then the Soviet invasion of Hungary. It is a fascinating and somber place. In the evening, we made our way over to the ruin pubs which are, as it sounds, pubs in derelict buildings that are literally falling down.

Day four we explored the Budapest Castle in Pest. Sadly this castle was highly damaged during WW2 and the Soviet occupation, so the years after this have been spent restoring the castle. From the castle we went to explore Mathias Church and the Fisherman's Bastion. On our way back over to the Buda side we detoured off to Margaret Island. There we rented a bicycle carriage and explored the monastery ruins, water tower landmark, and a music fountain water show. We finally made it to grab some dinner and then back to our hotel room to pack our bags for flight to Prague.

Budapest Castle

 View of Buda from Pest (Looking at Parliament)

Mathias Church

Fisherman's Bastion

 Farewell Budapest!

{Confession}

Confession. I stopped attending baby showers 2+ years ago.

It started in 2012. I was planning on attending the shower of my dear friend Christianna and celebrate the upcoming birth of her first child. The day before the shower, I learned that my own pregnancy was not viable. Instead of attending that baby shower, I stayed home to grieve our loss. After that, I stopped attending showers. A year after that first pregnancy we lost a second pregnancy, and the years have started piling up on our fertility journey. I continued to feel justified in my decision. Not to say I wasn't excited and happy for my friends, I just found the thought of attending a baby shower too painful.

I thought I should write on this topic because it has been a real consequence of my journey. In the past, it has been easier to document the facts of what has happened, but not always easy to share the impact.

Fast forward to this summer and I found myself invited to three baby showers. One in June, July, and August. I started gearing up to send my regrets once again. I checked in with Paul, because I thought it would make me feel like I was making the right decision if I had his approval. Paul challenged me to think through my motives with not attending. Was I trying to create a certain reality for myself by cutting out the parts of life that I didn't like?

Paul's words cut into me deeply. They were true. I was avoiding a big aspect of life. I decided to say Yes to each of the baby showers. I won't lie, they were incredibly difficult and joyous at the same time. I struggled because my mind would wander to my own losses, my own fears. I struggled to keep down the tears when someone I didn't know asked if I had children. I went home and carried a sadness with me. But I was rewarded too. I was able to celebrate amazing milestones in the lives of three women in my life. I chose to participate in an aspect of life that was painful and sweet. I felt good with my decision and that I have started re-engaging with all aspects of life, no matter how hard. I just keep praying for the strength to meet each challenge and that God will help me overcome my fears.