I would say in the last few years, my heart towards God has been reduced in size. I have felt angry and hurt over the miscarriages I had experienced. I was angry that he continues to allow suffering in my life - because hello - have I not experienced enough in this lifetime? It has been hard for me to trust God, and to hope in God. I have had a small heart and dare I say, I have been hard-hearted.
Last weekend I sat in a church service that was focused on Matthew 14. The premise of the sermon was that God forms Christians in many ways, and one of those ways is through service. I think God had a different message for me, and hopefully you will find it encouraging.
The specific verses that spoke to me were Matthew 14:15-20. A crowd had gathered near to Jesus. Evening time was quickly approaching and the disciples wanted Jesus to send the crowd home because they did not have any food for the people. Jesus told the disciples to bring what they had, which consisted of 5 loaves of bread and two fish, hardly enough to feed 5,000 men, women and children. Jesus blessed the food, sent it out and not only was the crowd fed until they were satisfied but there were leftovers!
Last Sunday as I sat in church I felt like God was saying that I need to bring him my small and hard heart. I need to give him all that I have, even if it is pitifully meager. I am trying to figure out what this looks like to give my heart. To start with I have been reading my Bible each morning and praying more.I am not yet sure what His plan is, but I am learning to trust that like the bread and fish, He will do so much more with my heart than I can.
15 Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves." 16 But Jesus said, "They need not go away; you give them something to eat." 17 They said to him, "We have only five loaves here and two fish." 18 And he said, "Bring them here to me." 19 Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. 20 And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. 21 And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.