So, here we are.
2015 was an incredible year. Welcoming my son Elijah into the world rocked me to the core. I think my expectation as a mother was rose tinted. I would have this long awaited child and my life would sort of glow. Glow it did not. The postpartum emotions overwhelmed me, scared me, and left me feeling so uncertain in my new role. Was I capable? Am I capable?
As a mother, my selfishness is constantly bubbling at the surface. I do not want to get up early, I do not want to change a diaper, I do not want to do bed time routine. Every day is a showdown with my own heart. I have struggled with feeling like I have lost myself in order to become a mother.
I have learned it is difficult to feel certain in my new role. Just when I think 'I've got this', the season changes and motherhood looks differently. Life looks differently.
The constant I have found is the struggle for balance, for self-care in my life. I am a wife, a mom, a school counselor. Each role is equally demanding. Two months ago I found myself in a slump. I could not put my finger on it. The days were (and are) so incredibly long. Each day was identical and monotonous. I felt like I was trudging through the week just to get to a weekend, and then start the week over.
In November I was sitting in a training to learn how to deescalate situations at work. A good amount of time the first day of the training was spent talking about self-care. The idea was that if you are taking care of yourself, you are better equipped to handle tense or hard situations while at work. One of the exercises we did was to complete a wellness wheel. There were six categories that we evaluated: Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Social, and Occupational. We were asked to evaluate how full and balanced we felt in each of these categories. I felt discouraged as I thought through each of these areas. I was running on empty. I immediately set a lofty goal in the physical area and then crashed and burned because it was not feasible for my current life. Tears were shed as I thought there is no time for me or for my wellness. I felt stuck and bogged down. I am not fully living my life.
So, balance has been on my mind lately. What does balance look like now? Is balance achievable? How do I find balance? If I am balanced will I be a better mother? A better wife? A better colleague? Will I feel better?
These days, I think balance ebbs and flows. I am not sure if I can find it in each category at the same time. I do not think that is realistic. So my goal is to find small ways to foster balance in my life. Instead of setting lofty goals for 2016, I want to set smaller, monthly goals and evaluate each month. If I did not achieve a goal, why or why not? What could I change for the following month? What should look different? For 2016 I do not seek perfection, I do not want to beat myself up over failure. I want to keep trying new things, to engage more fully with the life I am living.
So, that was a jumble of thoughts, I hope there was sense in there.
I have a bunch of ideas floating around my head for 2016 and the goals I would like to pursue in each area of my life. Here a few things:
- Read books
- Work out
- Complete a Hello Morning Challenge
- Do a Bible Study with other(s)
- Social Media fast
- Sleep practices
- Purge items around the house
For January 2016 my mini goals are:
- Read 2x Books
- Complete a 21 Day sugar detox
- Work out 12 times
My intention for 2016 is Balance, and really at the heart of it, is self-care. What is your intention for 2016?