{Celebrate}

I love birthdays! I love that my birthday is one day and then the very next is Paul's! Since Paul doesn't like to celebrate his, I just steal his thunder too. Gives me an extra long celebration!

Last year I was in no mood to celebrate. I wanted to, and I knew I should since it was my 30th. But I was heartbroken over our miscarriage and just didn't have the energy. I did have a small group over which was lovely and really the most I could muster at the time. 

This year I kept thinking I wanted an epic party to make up for last year! I wanted lots of people and a pinata. Yes, a pinata! With Europe having just happened I decided maybe trying to pull together a large party would be too difficult. Instead we opted for two smaller celebrations with good friends. It was a wonderful time. There is nothing like pulling long time and new friends together to feel the love in any room.

Here are a few highlights.

Friday night I got a few of Paul's favorites together for dinner and a movie. We had such a delightful time that I literally had to drag Paul from the restaurant over to the movie theater. For a guy who doesn't like drawing attention to himself I think he had a pretty great time. Here is the group:

James was the only one daring enough to tell the waiter it was Paul's birthday. A great big piece of ice-cream cake was brought out and James proceeded to sing "Happy Normal Day to You". It was awesome! Look at that big piece of cake and that even bigger smile. This made springing a dinner on Paul 100% worth it!

Most of us headed over to the movies to sit through a 10:30pm showing of Iron Man 3. Wow. Some of us (me) are getting a little too old for those shenanigans. The group let me take one more photo of the night. And then I started getting death looks when the camera came out.

On Friday night I hosted a group of ladies that have been in my life since moving into the college dorms in 2000 up to our current church community. I love that it blended groups from college, work, grad school, and church. It was a delightful evening of sipping wine and good conversation. I am thankful for many of these ladies who were such a support and encouragement this last year. You have challenged me and pushed me to grow. Many of you have seen me at my worst but hung in there with me. I am a better person because of these friendships. Here are a few photo highlights!

Me and my MelMel! Literally one of the first people I met in college when I barged into her room introducing myself and offering chocolate. When we sit down and start telling old stories, I laugh so hard I could cry.

 Me and Christianna - who was another person's dorm room I barged into. This time without chocolate, but she accepted my eccentrics nonetheless! I treasure the memories and laughs we have shared over the years.

Stacy, Robyn, Miranda, and Nell - you have all encouraged and supported me tremendously this past year. I love the wisdom and thoughtfulness each of you brings to our friendship. I am blessed to have you in my life!

By the end of the night, I couldn't help but be reminded how blessed I am. I have so many great and wonderful women that I share life with. I had a goal of getting a photo with everyone and I almost made it! Here are a few more shots:

Here is to another year of making memories!

(out of) control

Control:

1. to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

2. to hold in check; curb:

Three months ago the concept of control was like a rug yanked from underneath my feet. The yanking happened on a Wednesday evening and only took a few seconds. I was driving from my house over to a friend’s house for my monthly book club meeting. I was 10 blocks from home and stopped in a line of cars that were waiting for a light to turn green. I was sitting there one moment and the next moment was being hurtled forward. I heard loud noises, sounds of something breaking and screeching. The next sensation was a burning smell. At first I was so confused I wasn’t sure what had happened. Did I do something wrong? Was the car on fire? My next thoughts went to “Oh My God the baby”. We were 5 weeks pregnant that very day.

I needed to get out of the car. I saw people beginning to come around the car. I was screaming for help.  I kept trying at the door and when that wouldn’t work I rolled down the window. It took a good minute to realize that my door was locked, which is why I couldn’t get out. I unlocked the door and fumbled for my phone. I got to the sidewalk and continued to scream and cry in a panic. People were coming up to me and telling me that I would be okay. I cried out that I was pregnant. I cried out of panic, out of fear, and out of heartache. I called Paul and could barely put into words that there had been an accident before I handed off the phone to let someone else explain what had happened.

I stood outside talking to neighbors, EMT’s and eventually the police. The details of what had happened began to fall into place. The man driving behind me looked away from the road to fiddle with his radio. He didn’t realize that the cars had stopped. He plowed into my car which pushed me into the SUV in front of me. The force of that impact pushed the SUV into a pickup truck.

I spent the next couple of hours coming to my senses in the ER room. Eventually I could start cracking jokes in a Charity like fashion. I had the wonderful company and support of Paul and my dear friend Robyn. Everything looked fine at the ER. I was bruised and banged up, and I would be sore the next day but nothing was broken. I learned that because the baby was so well cushioned in my body there was no concern of miscarriage or harm from the accident.

 So I went home and fell asleep of exhaustion.

The next morning I woke with extreme stiffness, soreness, and pain. As I lay in bed, I realized I had absolutely no control in the situation. I had gotten into my car with a false sense of control. I knew the car, myself, the roads but none of that equals control. There was nothing I could have done differently sitting in my car that night. Even if I had looked up into my mirror in time, there was nowhere for me to move my car to.

Once the realization that I did not possess any control had sunk in, I was completely comforted and overwhelmed by the knowledge that God was 100% in control the whole time. And while we lost the baby for unrelated reasons a few weeks later - God protected me and protected the baby throughout the whole ordeal.

Control is a funny thing. I know I walk around thinking I have it through the decisions I make. I believe control is a construct we make up to feel less anxiety in life. In reality I cannot control anything or anyone. I’m just not that powerful. I am truly comforted though that there is a God in control of every minute detail of my life.

An Interview with The Gluten Minded

In June of 2012, Paul and I embarked on a crazy 30 day experiment with the Paleo Diet. We had many reasons why we were trying Paleo. The significant reason for me was trying to alleviate my constant stomach aches, heartburn, and general discomfort. You can read more about my health issues and our experiment here.

In the midst of our Paleo Experiment, I found out that I have a sensitivity to gluten. I was pretty hesitant to admit that gluten was reason behind my constant need of Maalox or Prilosec. I mean we had cut out so many types of foods during this experiment such as dairy, soy, corn, legumes, and grains to name a few. When I started feeling better during those 30 days I wanted to believe it was anything else but gluten. I tried introducing all of the foods back into my life, and no matter what I tried with gluten I immediately felt sick again. Eventually I had to relent, and out the door and cupboards went all of the gluten.

I share this, because I'd like to share a great new website with you! Our friend Becky has started an awesome blog www.theglutenminded.com where she interviews gluten minded people, shares recipes, resources, gluten free product reviews and talks through different health issues related to gluten. Check out her blog!

You can also find an interview that Paul and I did here.

Paleo Chocolate Cake with Whipped Honey and Berries

The husbuddy (Paul) has been encouraging me for quite some time to do some food blogging. Paul insists that people would be interested in what I'm cooking up. The idea seems silly to me because I don't create recipes. I find recipes and I recreate. Sometimes I recreate to a T and sometimes I add my own flair. I love to cook and I find it to be a creative outlet for me, but the thought of creating recipes and then testing them stresses me out. When I posted this picture on my Facebook, I received a lot of great feedback including requests for the recipe. In this case, I had added some flair, so I couldn't just simply send along a link to a recipe that I had followed. 

In a one-week span this has been both a birthday cake and then served again at Easter, very versatile. The original recipe calls for a chocolate whipped cream in the center and a chocolate ganache on top. And believe you me, the original recipe looks absolutely divine and one day I will follow that recipe to a T. But spring is in the air and for some reason to me that screams berries and whipped cream, and that is how I came to modify the original recipe.

A quick word about the whipped topping. This is not whipped cream, and it isn't whipped coconut. It is whipped honey! Paul and I were introduced to whipped honey about a year ago. We were enjoying a delicious dinner at a friend's house when our friend started whipping up a berry cobbler. We saw him start topping the cobbler with the whipped topping and Paul quickly spoke up. Paul hates whipped cream! I have tried every which way to get him to like it. I assumed when we started dating that he meant he didn't like cool whip or whipped cream out of a can. A few years later I can attest that Paul does not like whipped cream. I guess we all have faults.

Our friend turned to Paul that evening and asked, "How do you feel about whipped honey?" Paul was taken aback. What is whipped honey? This coming from the guy who I will find in the kitchen tipping back the jar of honey just because. So we tentatively took a spoonful of the topping and that was the end of it. I now had a whipped topping that Paul not only likes, but loves. It was an exciting moment for both of us.

Okay, enough about all of that. Let's get onto the cake.

The cake recipe can be found here: http://zenbellyblog.com/2013/02/13/no-joke-dark-chocolate-cake/ 

I followed the cake recipe to a T. I didn't have 6-inch cake pans so I used my standard 9-inch and shortened the cooking time to 20 minutes. Be prepared for your house to smell heavenly when you pull this out of the oven. I couldn't wait for Paul to get home just to enjoy the scent. Since going Paleo in June of 2012, chocolate cake has not been a part of our life.

The cake filling consisted of cooked down strawberries and the honey topping. To make the fruit filling I chopped up a pound of strawberries (reserving 3-4 strawberries for the top) and put them in a small saucepan over medium heat. After about 10 minutes on the stove they were breaking down. To thicken the sauce up I put in two teaspoons of arrowroot flour. Allow time for cooling.

Now, for the whipped honey. For one cake I used clover honey which  was exceptionally sweet. For Easter I used blackberry honey which was divine. Experiment with different types of honey.

It is unclear where the Whipped Honey recipe originates. When my friend first told me about it, after doing some research online, it appeared that it may have come from an issue of the American Bee Journal. However I was able to find it on another website: http://www.bigoven.com/recipe/85660/fluffy-honey-frosting

Whipped Honey

• 1/2 Tsp Salt
• 1 Tsp Vanilla
• 2 Egg Whites
• 1 Cup Honey

In a small saucepan heat honey to boiling. In a bowl combine egg whites, salt, and vanilla. Beat with an electric mixer at high speed until egg whites are stiff but not dry. Slowly pour in hot honey; beat for 5-7 minutes until frosting holds shape. Frosts two 8 or 9 inch layer cakes.

The directions are not kidding when they say slowly pour the hot honey. If you pour it too quickly, the egg whites will be chunky. I followed this recipe a handful of times using my hand blender and the results were good but not perfect and my arms grew tired from all of that mixing. Then around Christmas time I realized 1) I own a Kitchen Aid mixer and 2) How could I have forgotten I own a Kitchen Aid mixer?? Now my arm never gets tired making the honey topping and I can control the texture. If I am frosting a cake I only mix for about 7 minutes at medium speed. If I want a texture like thick whipped cream I will do closer to 10-12 minutes.

To Assemble the cake, put one layer on a plate. Spread the strawberry mixture over the cake. On the second layer, decide which side will be your top and bottom. On the bottom, spread a layer of whipped honey. On my first attempt making this cake, I put a lot of whipped honey in between and it overpowered the cake. The topping is sweet. A thin layer is perfect. Place the top layer over the bottom. Put a layer of whipped honey on top. For a nice touch, slice the reserved strawberries in half and place around the top of the cake.

Enjoy! Happy Easter from P+C!

This post contains affiliate links.

Bitter & Sweet, Multiplied

The other day I found some old poetry I had written while in high school and through college.  The poetry was somber and full of angst, but It was my way of putting to words the heartache I felt during those years. Reading through the poems, I was reminded that writing has always been cathartic for me. I thought that writing about this experience would be helpful for processing and healing.

In the past 13 months I have experienced not one, but two miscarriages. I have decided to share this experience because I think it is valuable. I want to put it out there that this happens, it hurts, it sucks, and that it is survivable. I want to be a resource and if at all possible an encouragement to those who experience this heartache. 

It has been a hard season for Team O, but with the bitter there is also the sweet.

In November 2011, after prayerful consideration Paul and I decided to start trying for a family. We knew I had funny biology working against us and assumed it would take some time to get pregnant. I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. The idea that this could become a reality was so exciting.

January 2012. Positive pregnancy test? I knew it was positive before I took the test and yet was so shocked. I lost it. I was so excited and overwhelmed and... excited. I called Paul and basically just distracted him for the rest of the day. How can you focus with news like this? We went out to dinner to celebrate and started planning for the future. It felt like a miracle to have gotten pregnant so quickly.

A week after the pregnancy test we were in for our first ultrasound. It was eerily quiet during the ultrasound. I kept waiting for something to appear on the screen that resembled a baby. That didn't happen. The technician left the room and sent in the doctor. Blighted Ovum. It is very deceiving. Your body is pumping out hormones as if pregnant. A sac is growing in your body as if you're pregnant. But there is no baby growing. I didn't even know this was a possibility.

This was heartbreaking. I couldn't even pretend to hold it together as we left the office. I was a mess. I cried so hard I struggled to breathe. We drove straight home and Paul just held me for hours while I cried my heart out. I didn't know what to think. Just as quickly as we knew we were going to be parents. It was gone. Joy turned to sorrow so quickly it was hard to fully understand.

February 2012. After talking through my options for having a miscarriage with my midwife, I decided to let things happen naturally. Exactly one month after that heartbreaking ultrasound, the miscarriage began to start. I was told this would be similar to a heavy period. It was not. It was the most excruciatingly painful experience. I had hours of painful contractions. The whole time I kept thinking this must be like giving birth, except when I'm done I will have nothing to show for this struggle. The blood loss was scary. The pain was overwhelming. Paul held my hand all night and I would just squeeze it throughout the night.

I thought once I had the miscarriage I would be ready to move forward and heal. But soon came the depression. I didn't realize at the time that my hormones were out of whack. I just thought I was grieving this loss (and without antidepressants). February through June I suffered complications that kept me from moving on in my healing in so many ways. 

The depression was debilitating. I could get myself out of bed in the morning and through 8 hours of work. But often that was all I could do. I felt no joy. I felt unsure of how to relate to God. I felt loss of connection to my husband. I felt so alone, so disconnected from friends and community. People said kind words that felt empty and hollow to me. I turned to food as a comfort and before I knew it had gained 20 pounds. I felt like a failure. I desired two things my whole life: to be a wife and mother. I felt like I failed at being a mother. Would I fail again? I felt like I was letting Paul down in so many ways.

June 2012. I sought medical attention. It seems silly in retrospect. I thought everyday that was the day that everything would be better. How four months passed I am not sure. So in June the Dr. prescribed an "estrogen reboot". Basically my body was flooded with estrogen and then we tapered it down. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt normal again. I didn't realize how out of balance my hormones were and how it affected every aspect of my life. Shortly after seeing a doctor I began to see a counselor. It was breaking my heart all over again to know that Paul felt that I had checked out. I didn't want to be that person. I wanted to be me again.

Summer 2012.  In order to work on reconnecting, Paul and I decided to make 2012 the Summer of Fun. This was the summer to reclaim our marriage. The highlight of our Summer of Fun was a camping trip at Lake Wenatchee. It was a few days to unplug, talk, share meals, take long walks, and enjoying one another. We also started reading through a marriage book together that we were going to use for a small group. Each chapter had questions that were challenging to go through together but fruitful. 

We had so much fun together during our Summer of Fun (mission accomplished). Enjoying each other's company. Growing together and strengthening our marriage. We grew in a way that you can only grow in suffering. That is the sweet of this bittersweet experience.

During this time we also learned that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This basically means what we already suspected was true - getting pregnant will be difficult for us. The hunch was that I got pregnant so quickly the first time because I had just gotten off birth control. During the fall I began to work with a naturopath to help alleviate the PCOS and help us get pregnant.

January 2013. Another positive pregnancy test. Reserved excitement. We were cautiously optimistic. Things progressed into February and all seemed well. At 8 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound. We wanted to wait as long as possible (but not too long) so we could ensure seeing a heartbeat. Seeing the heartbeat was a beautiful thing. Knowing that there was a life growing inside was comforting. I didn't think to ask any questions. I was just happy. The ultrasound doctor was concerned because the baby was measuring two weeks behind where it should be. When I talked to the midwife my hope came crashing down. Yes there was a heartbeat, but it wasn't measuring where it should be. A week later and a follow up ultrasound confirmed that the baby had not grown and there was no longer a heartbeat.

March 2013. So here we are. At a loss, literally. Again Paul and I talked through the options. We have an international trip planned in April and felt that we could not let my body wait to catch up like we did last year. We decided to do the next closest thing to a natural miscarriage. This involved having medication (Misoprostol) given to me to help "induce" the miscarriage. After the experience last year, I was feeling terrified to do this again, but not terrified enough to have the D&C procedure done. Thankfully this experience has gone much smoother and without complications. The pain was more bearable. The healing has been speedy.

In a 13-month period I have now experienced the joy of being pregnant twice and the heartache of two miscarriages. Medically, I am still statistically average. That was odd to learn but reassuring in the sense that this is not my fault. There is nothing I could have done differently to sustain either pregnancy. This does not make me any less of a person. Or any less of a woman.

And though the physical piece has passed, there is still the emotional (and hormonal) piece to deal with. There is hope to be found again. I do know that I will not drown like I did last year. I will not lose faith. I will not be disconnected from my husband. I will grieve but I will not let the grief overwhelm me.

These days I try to focus on the sweet. I have an incredible husband. He pursues me and loves me so well. I have wonderful friends who support me and pray for me. I have a great medical team from doctors to counselors. I am thankful to have the opportunity to go travel with my husband and to enjoy a break. 

I wanted to share this because it is too easy to want to hide this experience. To pretend it didn't happen. To not talk about it. I have to remind myself that three strong women in my life did share with me their experiences of loss. If those three women were not in my life, I am not sure I would have known what to expect from the physical pain to the emotional pain. I would have been blindsided. Instead I had a support system who I could ask questions and ask for advice. If I can share my experience and be a help at all, then there is further value to be found in this heart breaking experience.

To My Husbuddy

Paul,
Thank you for celebrating Valentines with me because you know I love it! There are so many reasons I love you. I thought this Valentines I would list 100 reasons why I love you. That way you never have to ask me "why?"!

Happy 5th Valentines to my love!!

I love your smile.

I love your disciplined nature, where would I be without it?

I love snuggling with you.

I love your ethic of hard work.

I love that you provide so well for us.

I love how silly you can be.

I love that you are compassionate.

I love the way you surprise me with little gifts that show you pay attention to me.

I love the way you respect me.

I love how you protect me.

I love your intelligent mind.

I love that you always keep your cool.

I love spending time with just you.

I love how you encourage me.

I love how you challenge me to be a better person.

I love your sense of humor.

I love that I get to grow old with you.

I love our nicknames for each other.

I love when you tell me how much you love me.

I love you because you never use words to hurt or tear down.

I love that you’re my best friend.

I love your heart for God and your desire to grow in your Faith.

I love how patient you are with me.

I love snuggling with you.

I love holding your hand.

I love that you are a prayer warrior.

I love that you celebrate Valentines Day with me because you know I like it.

I love your desire to travel.

I love that you have taken me to Paris! My dream!

I love that you forgive me.

I love that you’re always willing to try harder.

I love your body.

I love falling asleep with you at night.

I love that you are dependable.

I love how you make me a priority.

I love your generosity.

I love that all of your clothes come from tech conferences.

I love the sound of your deep voice.

I love your steadfastness.

I love the sweet notes/emails you write me.

I love that I am still learning new things about you.

I love how you make up your own words to songs. Jazz Sundays are my favorite.

I love your dimples.

I love your corny, old man jokes.

I love that you worry about me.

I love how you take control in stressful situations.

I love your Faith in the Lord, it is strong and beautiful.

I love how you remind me to be hopeful during tough times.

I love when you speak Persian to me.

I love how I can trust you completely.

I love taking walks with you and talking about our future.

I love how you’re just as weird as me.

I love your good ideas.

I love how you get excited about getting new t-shirts at work conferences.

I love when you beat box.

I love how sweet and patient you are with the kiddos in our life. I look forward to you being a father one day.

I love how unbelievably patient you are with me.

I love how when you’re focused on reading a book you’ll start to mouth the words as you read.

I love how you pray over me.

I love that you’re such a softy.

I love traveling with you.

I love how you love me unconditionally.

I love that we argue about who loves the other the most (I do).

I love how you buy me the sappiest cards because you know I’ll tear up.

I love how you use analogies to make things make sense!

I love that you’re an open book with me.

I love when you play the guitar for me. Or just sing songs you’ve made up for me.

I love that you love to learn. How does electricity work again?

I love your grey hairs. They make you look so distinguished.

I love how excited you get (we get) about seeing cute dogs.

I love that you introduce me to music I probably wouldn’t have found or that I thought I would enjoy.

I love that you write reminders on your hand.

I love that you tell me you love me every chance that you get.

I love how you let me experiment in the kitchen. You never mind trying my creations.

I love that you handle the finances. You’re so good at it J

I love that when we’re walking you offer me a wing. I do love chicken!

I love when you paint.

I love that you always tell the truth. Even if it isn’t always easy to hear.

I love that you still think deep down you’re a teenager.

I love visiting you at work. You’re so serious!

I love that we’re both honest about the difficulties and the joys of marriage.

I love that you are my personal space heater.

I love how excited you get about treats.

I love when you kiss my forehead.

I love being your wife.

I love that we’re both so stubborn. It makes life interesting.

I love that you were my first boyfriend.

I love how occasionally you let me stare into your eyes.

I love that you still have the certificate of appreciation I gave to you ages ago.

I love that you’re willing to train me at the gym, even though I probably swear at you several times a week.

I love listening to you sing at church.

I love your willingness to love me spontaneously (in a very planned way).

I love how affectionate you are with me.

I love watching you dance.

I love dreaming about our next adventures together.

I love when we hear the “Ho Hey” Lumineers song you grab my hand and sing the chorus to me.

I love your willingness to try new things.

I love when we accomplish things together. Team O!

I love how you hold me and comfort me when I’m sad.

I Love that I get to spend the rest of my life with YOU!

 

 

 

On The Road

In just over two months we will be on the road (err in the sky) to Europe. We have narrowed down the numerous possibilities to: Amsterdam, Rome, Venice, and Barcelona. Have you been? Any suggestions?

I have only been to Europe once now and it was magical! My dream in life was go to Paris and when we did, I fell in love. So once we started talking about talking about this next trip, all I could think was "Let's go back to Paris!". Paul had to shake some reality into me. He assures me that I will love the rest of Europe just as much as Paris. As I  started reading up and looking at pictures of the four cities - I think he is right.

On our first trip together we explored places (London & Paris) that neither of us had been to. This time it is a mix. Paul has been to Amsterdam and Rome.

So now it is time to start thinking of the ever growing To Do list, like learn Italian or learn Catalan. No big deal right?

I've also been inspired by a college friend's recent blog post about must haves when traveling internationally. Paul and are going minimalist for this trip and I am actually excited for the challenge!

Send your suggestions for places to see while we're abroad!